Cleaning up Life,: It's a start...

See that photo?

Yeah, that bag which two of my boys are holding is full of candy that was in our cupboards. I'm not sure how it all got there. I think it was an accumulation from a lot of different sources. We bought a tiny portion. Although, I believe a good share had been given to us little by little over every holiday, school celebration, birthday party, and function that we have attended.

Our cupboard was overflowing with all this junk food. And yours truly was the one who seemed to be sneaking to it the most. It needed to be out of our house. I was tired of always feeling guilty. I was tired of feeling yucky. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

I needed a cleanse. A purge if you will.

And so I got out that white garbage bag and started throwing it all away. It felt good. I was proud of myself. But I didn't throw out ALL of our junk food. I left a little, justifying it by saying that I was leaving a little for the boys to have as an occasional treat.

And do you know what happened? I continued to eat it. And then we continued to buy more. Not all candy, but junk food in general. You know...Oreos, Girl Scout Cookies, Ice Cream, Crackers, Chips, Pringles, Pudding, Chocolate. You name it.

I'm a glutton for punishment.

I've continued to feel icky.

Not happy with myself or my eating habits.

So, last night after I finished eating my Crunch Klondike Bar at about 10:30pm, I told myself that was it! NO MORE!!!

And I meant it. I made a goal to wake up and exercise this morning and to eat a healthy breakfast. I set my alarm for 6am last night before going to bed at around 11:30pm. When 6am rolled around, the alarm went off and I did NOT want to get out of bed. So I didn't. I stayed there until about 6:45-7am when my husband got out of bed to get ready for work. I was awake that whole time. Why didn't I get out of bed?!! Because I was lazy and I realized in bed that I was being lazy and then I felt bad about myself again. I didn't want to feel bad about myself. So, I got up, put on my workout clothes and went to the basement to exercise. I started with the P90X, Chest & Back DVD. It felt good. I struggled through it. I'll be honest. I can't do any pull ups whatsoever, so I use some bands instead. I also can not do real pushups. I do girly pushups on my knees, and even those are hard. My arms were shaking and quivering by the end. But you know what, I liked it. I feel good about myself that I made it through to the end. I didn't give up.

So, that is how I will continue. I won't give up. I know it will be hard. I'm ready to make life changes. I'm ready to be healthy and happy. I'm ready to feel good about myself and the decisions I am making.

For breakfast I had some eggs, 1/2 piece of wheat toast with a little butter, and a green smoothie, made with a banana, pineapple, mango, and spinach. It was delicious. I feel full and satisfied.

I still have to do the Ab RipperX DVD as well today. It's only about a 15 minute workout and should be easy to squeeze in.

I plan on posting here everyday. I know I need away to hold myself accountable. I'd like to post this on Facebook, to have more than myself to account to, but I'm scared. Scared of what others might think, scared of what others might say. Scared what will happen if I don't follow through on what I've planned and then I look like a failure.

But...

Today, I am confronting my fears.

Today, I'm tired of having feelings of fear.

Today, Fear will not own me.